Bob's Journey

I have started a thread on the CiS email discussion list about the screening of the new film "Creation". It has taken me beyond the immediate issue (of whether I can be involved in a discussion between Christians about the "evolution/creation" controversy if I call myself an 'agnostic', or a 'post-evangelical') to what I now actually believe.

"Bob's Journey" is here: http://groups.yahoo.com/group/christians_in_science/messages and, if you're interested, follow the thread "Re: Creation Movie" here (http://groups.yahoo.com/group/christians_in_science/message/4466 i.e. meesage 4466 onwards) to see what led up to this.

I was intending the explanation of why I call myself a post-evangelical to be posted here on this blog, but events have overtaken me. Still, for the sake of completeness, and in case you can't access the CiS Yahoo groups discussion, here's what I posted earler (slightly edited):

Bob's Journey

Where to begin…

Perhaps the easiest place to begin is to explain why I [often mention] Alan Jamieson's book "A Churchless Faith".

His book is representative of what has been variously been called `post-evangelicalism' or the `emerging church'.* In his book, he talks about a study of his on why people had left church (and not `liberal' churches, but what he called EPC churches, Evangelical Pentecostal and Charismatic churches). And he came to the rather startling conclusion (or at least it's startling to some, perhaps, at least to begin with) that the majority of people left church not because they had lost their faith but because the church was squashing their faith and that their faith grew as a result of leaving the church. (There's much more to his book than that, as in many things in life, but that's more or less what he found.) And that's what I have found. I am not saying that I am an atheist (a pretty stupid black-and-white position that, in my opinion, no-one can hold with much integrity). And perhaps the word `agnostic' is a bit strong – so that's why I tend to say I am on the believing end of agnosticism. And indeed 'post-evangelical' might better describe what I am.

Here I need to step back to tell you a bit about my personal circumstances, and why I am increasingly of the opinion that evangelicalism - as a Christian movement, if it can be called that - has lost it - and perhaps there is another way of looking at God.

Some years ago, I was forced out of employment in a particularly painful and heartbreaking way. I won't go into the full details, but here's the bare bones. I have spent most of my life working in publishing and love it. I spent a long time working for one particular company but decided to leave it to what I thought was a smart career move - but it was a disastrous mistake of mine. But as soon as I left, the company I had been working for was sold - so there was nothing for me to go back to - and, morever, the colleagues that I left behind had stolen a march on me and were out on the job market snapping up the jobs that I might have got but they got there before me.

So, although not my fault (it was but the fault of the company I had joined who were hopelessly disorganized), I was forced to leave the company and I could not find another similar job probably mainly for the reasons I said above. This was extremely painful to me and one of the results was depression (and that led, ultimately, and very sadly, to the breakdown of my marriage).

When I was forced out of the company, I spent several years looking for an answer to the question of why God doesn't seem to care about my personal prayers – where should I go, what should I do with my life, why was my marriage disintegrating, etc. I said to God at the time that maybe this is the opportunity for me to do something completely different - and I tried a few things, but none of them worked. I was willing to be completely broken before God and open to his will (something that had been drummed into me by countless sermons).

During the first year of my being forced out of publishing, I worked for a Christian charity, which I eventually found difficult as I often disagreed with the leader of the charity, mostly about science and faith (he was/is not a young-earth creationist but he had a tendency to see everything as black and white, as is sadly too ofetn the case with evangelists in my experience). When I left that organization, I spent several years freelancing, getting further and further into debt, while all the time pleading with God to guide my life. And heaven was silent. I don't know why.

So I decided to be honest with myself and increasingly I felt it might be because God either (a) wasn't there or (b) that the God I used to believe in - that I was told repeatedly 'cared for me personally' - wasn't actually true. I started to think that perhaps a different way of looking at God might be more helpful - i.e. that he isn't the chummy personal God of evangelicals who answers personal prayers and guides you in everything that you do and that perhaps I should think of him more like the mystics do.

I therefore made a decision about three years ago to stop asking God anything. And it was then that I landed a job (I now work fulltime for an organization for which I used to freelance). It transformed my life. And shortly thereafter I re-married, which (even more!) has transformed my life.

So that left me with the problem of what I actually believed about God. Which I am working on, with the help of many others in similar spiritual positions... Perhaps the subject of another email.

Bob

* If you can't get hold of the book immediately, see some resources here:
http://www.emergent-uk.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=50&Itemid=2
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